A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he
bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with
him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to
him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take
your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he
finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round
of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his
rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he
heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his
door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes
into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't
you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I
haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

A friend who used to work at (research lab) related a story about a customer
support line at (un-named company). The support person said something on the order of
"You're not our only customer, you know..." to which his reply was, "But we are one
of the few with tactical nuclear weapons..."
-----------------------------------------------------

... The neutron bomb is a nuclear device that kills people without destroying
buildings. Many people feel this is inhumane; they much prefer the old-
fashioned humane-type nuclear devices that kill people *and* destroy
buildings.

Western Europe's reaction to the neutron bomb has been mixed: most buildings
are for it, and most people are against it, on the grounds that it might
kill them. They're always wallowing in sentiment, those Western Europeans.
-- Dave Barry, _Bad Habits_

___________________________

"High Flight"

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -
And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.

John Gillespie Magee, Jr.



In August or September 1941, Pilot Officer Magee composed High Flight
and sent a copy to his parents. Several months later, on
December 11, 1941 his Spitfire collided with another plane over England
and Magee, only 19 years of age, crashed to his death.

Here's a summary of what each gender is good for:

WOMEN:

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.



MEN:

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING

1. There's one "sport" in which neither the
spectators nor the participants know the score or
the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
2. What famous North American landmark is
constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce
on their own for several growing seasons. All
other vegetables must be replanted every year.
What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always
in possession of the team on defense, and the
offensive team can score without touching the
ball?
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy,
with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is
whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it
hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get
inside the bottle?
7. Only three words in standard English begin with
the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of
them.
8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English
grammar. Can you name half of them?
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the
"Los Angeles Lakers?"
10. There are seven ways a baseball player can
legally reach first base without getting a hit.
Taking a base on balls--- a walk--- is one way.
Name the other six.
11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never
sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any
other form but fresh. What is it?
12. Name six or more things that you can wear on
your feet that begin with the letter "S."

Answers:

1. Boxing.
2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two
and a half feet each year because of the millions
of gallons of water that rush over it every
minute.
3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. Baseball.
5. Strawberry.
6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles
are placed over pear buds when they are small, and
are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left
in place for the whole growing season. When the
pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen,
apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,
quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces,
and ellipses.
9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as
the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they
moved west.
10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher
interference; catcher drops third strike;
fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch
runner.
11. Lettuce.
12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers,
skis, snowshoes, stockings.

Personal Ad I'd Like To See:


Lonely Elderly Man seeks relationship with no one. Leave me alone.
I don't want to be bothered by freaks like you.
And if you ever come around my property, I'll call the police.

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails...

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says,

"Hey, I'm just fuckin' with you. He's dead."