"So, Wesley Clark is running for president. Pretty amazing guy.
Four star general, first in his class at West Point, supreme
commander of NATO, saw combat in Vietnam, won the bronze star,
silver star, the purple heart for being wounded in battle. See,
I'm no political expert, but that sounds pretty good next to
choking on a pretzel, falling off a scooter and dropping the
dog."
-Jay Leno

And to top it off, the difference between men and woman at the ATM



HIS

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt



HERS

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

---------------------

Haircuts - The difference between men and women:

* Women's Version: *

Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cuuuuute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the
mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh no, it's perfect! I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with
this style, I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you
could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute on you.
I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh, now *that's* funny! I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have
for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look
at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get
clothes to fit me so much easier.

Woman 2: Do you think so? Oh, you're just saying that!
Woman 1: No! Really, I mean it...

* Men's Version: *

Man 2: Haircut?
Man 1: Ummhmm.

-------------------------

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for blemishes, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your
wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain
was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,
pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.


If there is anyone one among you who did not laugh at the truth behind
this email, there is something so very wrong with you
___________________________________________

-------------

THE MAN CODE (I'm pretty sure this was stolen from Maxim)

This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE


1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you
need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever
as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very
existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is
allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a
girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to
wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the
classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature
is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is
strictly optional and slightly gay.

Life in LA

-----------------




A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the
seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking,
biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered
nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime
rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and
it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work,
mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and
it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank
God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's
ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a
living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs, despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!!!

I'm sorry ... What was the question?

---------------------

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny,
although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years
ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about
35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest
ones, anyway.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Linda listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

---------------------------

And, on the lighter side, check out this link!

Man, Johnny Cash died last night. (Read it here)

John Ritter Died. (Here too)

And just the other day, Edware Teller, Father of the H-Bomb died as well!

They are dropping like flies! Makes me not want to go outside today, in case a falling piece of space debris will hit me on the head.

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that
keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples
from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist
was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit
kicked out of him.

Power Corrupts.
PowerPoint Corrupts Absolutely.

By Edward Tufte

An interesting essay.


Read the essay in Wired

---------------------------------

News Item.

Edward Teller, Father of the H-Bomb died. Bummer.

--------------------------------

The mechanical shark in the 1975 hit movie Jaws was named
Bruce.

Makes me wonder if that is why they named the big shark in "Finding Nemo" Bruce?

(You haven't lived until you've been around a bunch of 4 year old running around in circles chanting "Fish are friends, not food!" in unison.)

From an article in SLATE, about "artisan" cheeses. This is the last paragraph, but it tickled me to read about a cheese-making nun with a degree in microbiology!

In a presentation at the cheese conference, Sister Noëlla Marcellino, a cheese-making nun with a doctorate in microbiology, explained how bacteria and fungi in her abbey's raw-milk cheeses helped not only to develop the flavor of the cheese but also to inhibit the growth of pathogens. Her PowerPoint presentation was delivered with scientific objectivity, and yet I imagined good microbes duking it out with listeria in a microscopic struggle for the soul of the cheese. As long as good cheese is available, it's a battle that's won at cocktail parties every day.

Read the whole article in Slate

Why I am not a lawyer

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

Whale Flatulance Caught on Film!

(Read All About It!!!!!)

Good for Him!
A story today on Foxnews.com...

How hot is it in Phoenix right now? Hot enough to melt candles
and cause dogs to get heat stroke from the pavement!

Well... the inmates are griping how hot and inhumane it is! Their
Sheriff makes them live in tents and wear pink prison suits. They
gripe how hot and inhumane it is... and the Sheriff's response????
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff, who created the tent city and
long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, is not
sympathetic.

He told the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and the soldiers
are living in tents and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut
your mouths."

We need more sheriffs just like him!!

Read the story here!

Collectible: 52 Most Dangerous Liberals in America

Whether you are a right-wing neofascist or a bleeding-heart leftist-pinko-commie, you probably need one of these decks of cards!

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The hottest fires in hell are reserved for those who remain neutral in times of moral crisis.
--- Edmund Burke

Did Burke really say these? Burke was a British statesman, parliamentary orator and political thinker, who played a prominent part in all major political issues for about 30 years after 1765, and remained an important figure in the history of political theory. However, there is no real proof that he ever wrote or said these words.

This is mostly a shill for a cool book I just bought, "They Never Said It." by Boller, Paul F, Jr. From a brief perusal it should provide many, many interesting tidbits that were never really written!

See it yourself at Amazon. And NO, I don't get any kickbacks.

But I still think these are some of the best quotes, real or not, of all time

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?"

This has got to be a first: a car that parks itself. Read all about it here:

http://www.cnn.com/2003/TECH/ptech/09/01/toyota.prius.reut/index.html

"Somebody figured it out -- we have 35 million laws
trying to enforce Ten Commandments."

~ Earl Wilson

Bill Gates and the CD of Power

Of course, we have to have a Lord of the Rings reference:
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on.

I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."

To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D

"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"

"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."