Good news, bad news.

So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam replies, "The good news."
God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?"
And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

How to satisfy a woman

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:
Show up naked.

... with food.

Three Brazilian solderiers killed (joke)

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying, "And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" Mr. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing.
Finally, the president looks up and asks, "Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?"

Terror alert level raised

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in unform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.
---

Mcdonell-Douglas Aircraft Warranty Card

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: Initial: Last Name:
Password: .............................. (max 8 char) Code Name: .............................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20.... /....../.......

4. Serial Number:.............................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] DVD
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO

World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

Martha Stewart Living

A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains
after you've been fingerprinted.
---Martha Stewart

I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn'
make any difference.
---Steven Wright

An oldie but goodie - Deductive Reasoning for the Masses

Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to
be moving."

Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly."

Man: "So what is you do for a living?"

Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach
deductive reasoning."

Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog
house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Man: "That is right."

Neighbor: "The fact you have a dog, leads me to deduce that
you have a family."

Man: "Right again."

Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have
a wife."

Man: "Correct."

Neighbor: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you
are heterosexual."

Man: "Yup."

Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."

Man: "Cool."

Later that same day...

Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next
door."

Neighbor2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."

Neighbor2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the
University."

Neighbor2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2: "No."

Man: "Homo."



"I plan to vote a Republican ticket this year. The Democrats
have left a bad taste in my mouth.
---Monica Lewinsky


**

A little Olympic Humor

Athletes staying at the Olympic village have been told to
dispose of their syringes more carefully after two janitors
suffered needle stick injuries...

..On the bright side, the janitors grew to 6'8" and 320 pounds.

Directive re:foul language in the workplace.

It has been brought to my attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal
conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some
employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no
longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical
importanceof being able to accurately express your feelings when
communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck doyou expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

8 )TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

18 )TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

Thank You,
Human Resources

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so
he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the
banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how
his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull
just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker
suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of
all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced
all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Ah, the days of yore. Someday, this will no longer be funny. No-one will remember usenet, aol, or prodigy...


Diary of an AOL User
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

SOMETIMES...

Sometimes...
when you cry,
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain,
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried,
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy,
no one sees your smile.

But fart just ONE TIME...!

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's
Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to
share that knowledge with as many people as I can. For
example, when someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

However, I do need some advice from you regarding some of the
other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem
is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.
Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you
think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she
is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24.
The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most
women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both
male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring
nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans,
but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I
morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish
is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God
if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear
reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there
some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including
the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly
forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead
pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear
gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting
two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by
wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread
(cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme
a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
of getting the whole town together to stone them
(Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a
private family affair like we do with people who sleep with
their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these
things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you
again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Bill Gates

-------------------------------

You've almost got to feel sorry for poor Osama bin Laden.
There he is, day after day, holed up in some disgusting cave in Pakistan trying to come up
with some way to strike terror in the hearts of the American people…

… and some damned cow in Yakima, Washington beats him to it.

---------------------------

Alarming new statistics prove what we have all suspected for years....

Gun owners vs. doctors

A. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
B. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
C. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health &
Human Services)

Then think about this:

a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000 (yes, eighty-million)!
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.

Statistically, then, doctors are almost 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A DOCTOR.

Alert your friends to this threat. We must ban doctors before this gets
out of hand!! As a public health measure, I have withheld the statistics
on lawyers, (for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical
attention.)

Ever wonder why are there exactly 5,280 feet to a mile?
I mean, why not a nice, round number like 5,000, or even
5,500?

The measurement known as a mile is a vestige of the Roman
Empire's rule over Britain. At this time, the Romans had a
measurement known as mille pasuum (ME-lay PA-soo-em), or a
thousand paces. A pace comprised five, possibly sandal shod,
Roman feet. Using a simple mathematical calculation, we arrive
at 5,000 feet per mile.

The demise of the Roman Empire left the Britons in a quandary.
They now had a mile, consisting of 5,000 feet, and their own
agricultural measurement, the furlong, used to measure the
farmers' fields for the purpose of property deeds, etc.
Instead of using the Roman foot in calculating the measure
of a furlong, they used the distance a horse could pull a
plow, in a linear fashion, before the nag needed a nap.
They agreed that this measurement consisted 660 feet.

Now came the dilemma. The British wished to marry the furlong
to the mile, but, as they wanted a mile to comprise eight
furlongs, totaling 5,280 feet, instead of the Roman 5,000 feet
per mile, they had no choice but to select one of the two.
Not surprisingly, they chose their measurement over the Roman
measurement because, as property deeds at the time were
measured in furlongs, or 660 feet, a change to the Roman
measurement would short the farmer or landowner.

Widdle Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn
by Dave Barry

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."


There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."


People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.


And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.


You should not confuse your career with your life.


No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.


When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.


Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.


Never lick a steak knife.


Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.


The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.


You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.


You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.


The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.


The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.


A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.


Your friends love you anyway.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he
hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says
he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

This is pretty funny!

End of the world Flash Presenttion

Ah, what the heck, here is that other flash classic!

Give us Osama!

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he
bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with
him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to
him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take
your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he
finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round
of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his
rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he
heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his
door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes
into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't
you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I
haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

A friend who used to work at (research lab) related a story about a customer
support line at (un-named company). The support person said something on the order of
"You're not our only customer, you know..." to which his reply was, "But we are one
of the few with tactical nuclear weapons..."
-----------------------------------------------------

... The neutron bomb is a nuclear device that kills people without destroying
buildings. Many people feel this is inhumane; they much prefer the old-
fashioned humane-type nuclear devices that kill people *and* destroy
buildings.

Western Europe's reaction to the neutron bomb has been mixed: most buildings
are for it, and most people are against it, on the grounds that it might
kill them. They're always wallowing in sentiment, those Western Europeans.
-- Dave Barry, _Bad Habits_

___________________________

"High Flight"

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -
And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.

John Gillespie Magee, Jr.



In August or September 1941, Pilot Officer Magee composed High Flight
and sent a copy to his parents. Several months later, on
December 11, 1941 his Spitfire collided with another plane over England
and Magee, only 19 years of age, crashed to his death.

Here's a summary of what each gender is good for:

WOMEN:

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.



MEN:

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING

1. There's one "sport" in which neither the
spectators nor the participants know the score or
the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
2. What famous North American landmark is
constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce
on their own for several growing seasons. All
other vegetables must be replanted every year.
What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always
in possession of the team on defense, and the
offensive team can score without touching the
ball?
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy,
with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is
whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it
hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get
inside the bottle?
7. Only three words in standard English begin with
the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of
them.
8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English
grammar. Can you name half of them?
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the
"Los Angeles Lakers?"
10. There are seven ways a baseball player can
legally reach first base without getting a hit.
Taking a base on balls--- a walk--- is one way.
Name the other six.
11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never
sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any
other form but fresh. What is it?
12. Name six or more things that you can wear on
your feet that begin with the letter "S."

Answers:

1. Boxing.
2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two
and a half feet each year because of the millions
of gallons of water that rush over it every
minute.
3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. Baseball.
5. Strawberry.
6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles
are placed over pear buds when they are small, and
are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left
in place for the whole growing season. When the
pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen,
apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,
quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces,
and ellipses.
9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as
the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they
moved west.
10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher
interference; catcher drops third strike;
fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch
runner.
11. Lettuce.
12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers,
skis, snowshoes, stockings.

Personal Ad I'd Like To See:


Lonely Elderly Man seeks relationship with no one. Leave me alone.
I don't want to be bothered by freaks like you.
And if you ever come around my property, I'll call the police.

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails...

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says,

"Hey, I'm just fuckin' with you. He's dead."

"So, Wesley Clark is running for president. Pretty amazing guy.
Four star general, first in his class at West Point, supreme
commander of NATO, saw combat in Vietnam, won the bronze star,
silver star, the purple heart for being wounded in battle. See,
I'm no political expert, but that sounds pretty good next to
choking on a pretzel, falling off a scooter and dropping the
dog."
-Jay Leno

And to top it off, the difference between men and woman at the ATM



HIS

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt



HERS

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

---------------------

Haircuts - The difference between men and women:

* Women's Version: *

Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cuuuuute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the
mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh no, it's perfect! I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with
this style, I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you
could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute on you.
I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh, now *that's* funny! I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have
for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look
at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get
clothes to fit me so much easier.

Woman 2: Do you think so? Oh, you're just saying that!
Woman 1: No! Really, I mean it...

* Men's Version: *

Man 2: Haircut?
Man 1: Ummhmm.

-------------------------

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for blemishes, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your
wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain
was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,
pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.


If there is anyone one among you who did not laugh at the truth behind
this email, there is something so very wrong with you
___________________________________________

-------------

THE MAN CODE (I'm pretty sure this was stolen from Maxim)

This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE


1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you
need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever
as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very
existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is
allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a
girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to
wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the
classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature
is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is
strictly optional and slightly gay.

Life in LA

-----------------




A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the
seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking,
biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered
nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime
rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and
it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work,
mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and
it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank
God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's
ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a
living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs, despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!!!

I'm sorry ... What was the question?

---------------------

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny,
although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years
ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about
35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest
ones, anyway.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Linda listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

---------------------------

And, on the lighter side, check out this link!

Man, Johnny Cash died last night. (Read it here)

John Ritter Died. (Here too)

And just the other day, Edware Teller, Father of the H-Bomb died as well!

They are dropping like flies! Makes me not want to go outside today, in case a falling piece of space debris will hit me on the head.

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that
keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples
from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist
was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit
kicked out of him.

Power Corrupts.
PowerPoint Corrupts Absolutely.

By Edward Tufte

An interesting essay.


Read the essay in Wired

---------------------------------

News Item.

Edward Teller, Father of the H-Bomb died. Bummer.

--------------------------------

The mechanical shark in the 1975 hit movie Jaws was named
Bruce.

Makes me wonder if that is why they named the big shark in "Finding Nemo" Bruce?

(You haven't lived until you've been around a bunch of 4 year old running around in circles chanting "Fish are friends, not food!" in unison.)

From an article in SLATE, about "artisan" cheeses. This is the last paragraph, but it tickled me to read about a cheese-making nun with a degree in microbiology!

In a presentation at the cheese conference, Sister Noëlla Marcellino, a cheese-making nun with a doctorate in microbiology, explained how bacteria and fungi in her abbey's raw-milk cheeses helped not only to develop the flavor of the cheese but also to inhibit the growth of pathogens. Her PowerPoint presentation was delivered with scientific objectivity, and yet I imagined good microbes duking it out with listeria in a microscopic struggle for the soul of the cheese. As long as good cheese is available, it's a battle that's won at cocktail parties every day.

Read the whole article in Slate

Why I am not a lawyer

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

Whale Flatulance Caught on Film!

(Read All About It!!!!!)

Good for Him!
A story today on Foxnews.com...

How hot is it in Phoenix right now? Hot enough to melt candles
and cause dogs to get heat stroke from the pavement!

Well... the inmates are griping how hot and inhumane it is! Their
Sheriff makes them live in tents and wear pink prison suits. They
gripe how hot and inhumane it is... and the Sheriff's response????
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff, who created the tent city and
long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, is not
sympathetic.

He told the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and the soldiers
are living in tents and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut
your mouths."

We need more sheriffs just like him!!

Read the story here!

Collectible: 52 Most Dangerous Liberals in America

Whether you are a right-wing neofascist or a bleeding-heart leftist-pinko-commie, you probably need one of these decks of cards!

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The hottest fires in hell are reserved for those who remain neutral in times of moral crisis.
--- Edmund Burke

Did Burke really say these? Burke was a British statesman, parliamentary orator and political thinker, who played a prominent part in all major political issues for about 30 years after 1765, and remained an important figure in the history of political theory. However, there is no real proof that he ever wrote or said these words.

This is mostly a shill for a cool book I just bought, "They Never Said It." by Boller, Paul F, Jr. From a brief perusal it should provide many, many interesting tidbits that were never really written!

See it yourself at Amazon. And NO, I don't get any kickbacks.

But I still think these are some of the best quotes, real or not, of all time

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?"

This has got to be a first: a car that parks itself. Read all about it here:

http://www.cnn.com/2003/TECH/ptech/09/01/toyota.prius.reut/index.html

"Somebody figured it out -- we have 35 million laws
trying to enforce Ten Commandments."

~ Earl Wilson

Bill Gates and the CD of Power

Of course, we have to have a Lord of the Rings reference:
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on.

I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."

To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D

"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"

"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."